Belçikalı psixiator və yazıçı olan Esther Perel uzun müddətdir ki, dünyanın bir çox yerində olan fərqli cütlüklərlə işləyir. Münasibətlər üzrə ekspert olaraq tanınan Perel’in üzərinə işlədiyi əsas məsələlərdən biri də “xəyanətdir”. Perel çox tez-tez qarşılaşdığımız bu universal davanışın hələ ki tam aydınlaşmadığını düşünür.

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Xəyanət nədir?

Ona görə xəyanətin ifadəsi  daima dəyişir və buna görə də münasibətlərdə xəyanətin tam olaraq izahını vermək çətindir. “Seksual xarakterli mesajlaşmalar, porno izləmə, sosial şəbəkələrdə gizli-gizli aktiv olma və s. Ancaq Perel xəyanəti xarakterizə etmək üçün qeyd edir: Gizli saxlanılan münasibət-ki, bu aldatmanın özəyini təşkil edir- müəyyən bir dərəcəyə qədər emosionallıq və seksual bağlılıq deməkdir.

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Modern zamanlar və “xoşbəxt olmağa layiqəm” ideologiyası… 

Esther Perel, münasibətlərin növünü dəyişdirən bir dövrdə yaşadığımızı vurğulayır. “Heç bir zaman yoldan çıxarılmaya bu qədər meyilli olmamışdıq. Yalnızca bu gün yeni arzulara sahib olduğumuz üçün deyil, istəklərimizin arxasınca gedə bilmə haqqımız olduğunu hiss etdiyimiz bir dövrdə yaşadığımız üçündür.  Digər adıyla “xoşbəxt olmağa layiqəm” ideologiyası.”  Perel bu vəziyyətin günümüzdəki boşanmalara dair də çox şey söylədiyini qeyd edir.  “Əvvəllər xoşbəxt olmadığımıza görə ayrılırdıqsa, indi daha da xoşbəxt olmaq üçün ayrılırıq. Aldadılmısansa və ya xoşbəxt deyilsənsə evli qalmağın bir utanc məsələsi olaraq qəbul edildiyi bir dövrdə yaşayırıq və əgər bütün bunlara baxmayaraq qalmağı və bağışlamağı seçərsənsə  böyük bir sosial təzyiqlə qarşı-qarşıya  qalmış olacaqsan“.

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Xoşbəxt cütlüklər nəyə görə aldadır? 

Xəyanətə dair bir çox yanlış fikirlər vardır ki,  bunlardan biri də “Əgər xəyanət edirsənsə səndə və ya münasibətində doğru olmayan şeylər var”. Esther Perel isə: “Hətta yaxşı münasibətlərin belə sizə verə bilməyəcəyi şeylər vardır” – deyə, vurğulayır. “Düşündüyümüzün əksinə xəyanətlər adətən seksdən çox arzulara aiddir. Qayğıya duyulan arzu. Özəl hiss edilməyə duyulan arzu. Önəmli hiss edilməyə duyulan arzu. Xəyanətin strukturu- məşuq(ə)nuza  heç vaxt sahib ola bilməyəcəyiniz gerçəyi daimi olaraq onu istəməyinizə səbəb olur və bu öz başına, idarəsi mümkün olmayan bir arzulama mexanizmidir.”

Kimi zamansa xəyanət “tragediyayla bərabər canlılığı geri gətirmə təşəbbüsü” olaraq da başa düşülə bilər. Yəni, insan partnyorunu çox sevə bilər ancaq canlı hiss etməyə qarşı duyulan ehtiyac bu sevginin qarşısına keçə bilər. Perel’ə görə xəyanətin arxasında adətən, ölüm və ölümlü olmaq dayanır. “Həyat bumu? Daha yaxşısı varmı? Bir 25 il boyunca hələ  də belə yaşayacam? O duyğunu yenidən hiss edə biləcəm?” kimi suallar insanı “yaşadığını hiss etməyə” təşviq edər.

Perel’in söylədiyi maraqlı fikirlərdən biri də budur: “Arxamızı çevirdiyimiz həmişə partnyorumuz deyil, çevrildiyimiz şəxsin özüdür.” Yəni başqa bir partnyor axtardığımız zaman  əslində başqa bir “özümüzü” axtarmış oluruq. “Bir aldatmanın mərkəzində  adətən emosional bir bağlılığa, yeniliyə, azadlığa, seksual aclığa, itirdiyimiz parçalarımızı geri qazanmağa olan həsrəti tapmış olursunuz”

 

Esther Perel‘in modern çağda xəyanətin necə dəyişdiyi, aldatmanın münasibətdə yeni bir dövrün başlanğıcı olaraq necə görünəbiləcəyi kimi mövzulara toxunduğu TED çıxışının tamamını izləmək istəyənlər aşağıdakı videodan faydalana bilərlər.

 

Müəllif: Arzu Elyazova

 

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