Intihar yox komandasıdır.

58

Hərdən elə bilirəm bədənimi check up etsələr,ən pis xəstəliklər məndə çıxacaq. Hərdən elə bilirəm anidən huşum gedəcək,özümü boşluğa buraxacam.Onsuz da həmişə o cür olur. Bezirsən,dözə bilmirsən və özünü boşluğa buraxırsan. Nə stress,nə sərxoşluq,nə də heç bir acı- hər şey o yıxılmazdan öncəki ipləri buraxdığın an olur və sən döşəmədə uzanan bir cansız olursan. Ən azından o anlıq..

Ümumiyyətlə,insanın mübarizəsini buraxmaq kimi şansı da var. Yaşamaq bilirsiniz nə vaxt,nə zaman seçim olur? Əslində həmişə olub. Həddi-büluğ deyin, yeniyetmə deyin,gənclik deyin-hər nə deyirsizsə deyin, reallıq budur ki, müəyyən yaşdan sonra öz ipləriniz öz əlinizdə olur. Bəzən isə siz o ipləri heç vaxt əlinizə keçirə bilmirsiniz və bu bütövlükdə bir kitaba mövzu ola bilər. Seçim özünüzə keçəndə də normal halda vəziyyət belə olur: Hə ya Yox,bir də aralıqda qalan sonsuz seçimlər..

0 ; 1 və onların arasındakı sonsuz ədədləri düşünün .(qeyri-səlis məntiq) Siz deyirsiniz ki, mən yaşamaq istəyirəm,özü də yaxşı yaşayıram. Biri deyir mənim üçün həzz önəmlidir,yaşamaq yox. Deməli, bu yoldaş YOXa yaxın bir seçim edib. Biraz fikirləşsəniz bu adamlar kimlərdir biləcəksiniz. Ən məşhuru Kurt Cobain”dir. O da bir zamanlar YOXa yaxın bir seçimdə idi,sonradan həyata bir dəfəlik yox komandası verdi..

Bəli, mənə görə intihar sadəcə yox komandasıdır. Sadə və ağrılı prosesdir. İntiharı bir növ huşun getməyinə bənzədirəm,yəni mübarizəni saxlayırsan,amma bu dəfə qalxmırsan,özünü kökləmirsən. Bu sondur. Nə pis, nə də yaxşıdır. Ümumiyyətlə, şəxsin öz həyatı ilə bağlı verdiyi qərarı pis və ya yaxşı dəyərləndirmək etik olmazdı.

Sartrla Kamyunun intiharla bağlı qızğın müzakirələrindən geniş danışıb mövzunu ayrı məcralara aparmaq istəmirəm,amma deməliyəm ki, Sartr haqlı idi. İntihar həyatı rədd etməkdir. Ona görə də poetik səslənən intihardansa,yox komandasını daha uyğun bildim. Niyəsə siz düşünürsünüz ki, yaşamağı sevmək və ya rədd etmək eynilə yaxşı və pis bir şeydir. Siz yaxşı yaşamaq istəyirsiniz və pula,qadınlara,kişilərə,maşınlara və o şeylərə müraciət edirsiniz. Bunu istəyirsiniz və edirsiniz, amma  bədəninizə evinizin dublex yoxsa triplex olması önəmli deyil. Ya da seyfinizdə necə paket dollarınızın olması önəmli deyil,ta ki siz onu xərcləyib özünüzə dondurma alana qədər.. Elə  partnyorlarınız da əlaqədən kənarda bədəninizə lazım deyil,əgər o sizin sırf partnyorunuzdursa… Bədəniniz bütün bunları sadəcə kimyəvi yolla-hormonla anlaya bilir. Onda yaxşı olduğuna əmin olur. İnanın mənə yaxtadakı burjua məclisləri ilə skamyadakı əyyaş məclisləri arasında ciddi bir fərq yoxdur.  Biri HƏyə(1) yaxındır,digəri YOXa(0) yaxındır. Əsas məsələ hələki yaşamaqlarına motivasiya edəcək qədər hormonları var. Birində bitməyinə çox var,digərində isə bitir…

 

Sizi öz suisidial hallarınızla baş-başa qoyuram. Özünüz söhbət edib razılığa gəlin.

 

Ziya M.

58 ŞƏRH

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